I am so flawed. I have so many weaknesses and bad tendencies! In this phase of my life I am acutely aware of these inhibiting traits and am disgusted with my inability to get them under control.
I am strong-willed. Most of the goals I set for myself are things I can choose to do and “will” myself to overcome. I am unsure if many of the things I’ve done have been a result of calling or my stubbornness.
I am not dismissing God's sovereignty. Thank goodness, He knows me and has used me despite my stubbornness.
I have a list of things I cannot seem to “will” myself to conquer. I need Jesus to help me, heal me, and set me free from this wicked body of sin. I cannot "will" myself to be perfect… nor does God want me to be.
I do believe he wants me to put my best effort forward, but more than that, He wants me to rely on Him, not myself. He wants me. My whole heart, my entire mind, and all of my spirit. He wants me to surrender… Erry-thang!!
Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding, In all of your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight. Proverbs 3:5
I always believed this verse referred to my head knowledge and perspective (and it does). But I never realized it also speaks to my physical ability to follow through with His calling—even in the difficult and practical, everyday stuff.
It says, “in ALL of your ways.”
What does all mean? ALL! Yes, all—everything, completely, totally, leaving nothing out.
Hmmm… that scares me a little. How about you?
Am I capable of all? Nope.
Once again, Jesus, I’ll need Your help with “all.”
What’s hiding in the hidden corners of my heart? What ungodly treasures or idols am I in denial about?
My children?
My love of music?
My need for control?
My romanticized notions about sacrifice?
My tendency to feel “called” in a different direction when things stop being fun?
All? All. All? All! Oi! All.
I also have sin.
Sin I cannot conquer. Sin I hide from everyone and pretend isn’t there. Sin that inevitably rears its ugly head and makes me feel disqualified—makes me feel unworthy to come to Him.
Again, I come with the thin apology I know won’t last, sure that my will is bound to fail me again.
There it is—my will.
My imperfect, ever-failing, fallible, misguided, well-meaning, broken, corrupt, limited, stupid will.
UGGGG! I am so tired of myself.
The thing is, my will always leaves me lacking—hungry for more. But God’s will? God’s will fulfills the longing of my heart.
His will is always so much more than anything I could dream up, and it’s so much better—even in the difficult, refining times.
Why do I even bother trying to get my way anymore?
I love the old Hymn "Come Thou Fount" Verse 4 sums it up.
"Oh, to grace how great a debtor Daily I'm constrained to be Let that goodness like a fetter Bind my wandering heart to Thee Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it Prone to leave the God I love Here's my heart, oh, take and seal it Seal it for Thy courts above"
So I will pray.
I will humble myself and accept that I will never fully understand. I will lean not on my own understanding.
I will let the goodness of the Lord bind my heart to His. I will choose Him. I will choose faith in the One who has sealed me—sealed, meaning He has put His mark on me, claiming me as His own.
He protects me, even from myself.
He knows I am weak and incapable of fixing myself. He knows I am prone to wander. Yet He loves me first.
Oh Lord, gracious Father, thank You that I do not have to be enough, that I do not have to save myself.
Help me, Lord—I am a mess.
Please take my ashes and weakness and turn them into beauty and strength, as You promised in Isaiah 61:3. I have nothing to give You, but please take it—all of it.
I am so tired of trying to carry it all. I need You.
Rescue me from my own will. Help me to lean on You, to trust in You, and to follow Your will.
Please make my path straight.
In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.
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